**Conquering my Fear

BIG NEWS!!! I killed FIVE spiders today! To me that is good news and bad news. Good news because I learned that I CAN do it (if I absolutely have to), bad news because there were five spiders in my house in one day. The latter is a small tragedy to me. How could I find five spiders in my house in one day? I told hubby we're infested and we should call an exterminator. This comment was met with laughter and eye rolling.

The first spider freaked the heck out of me and you may have heard me scream from wherever you live - no matter how far. I was emptying the last bag from our cottage vacation. I was standing at the kitchen sink and felt a tickle on my arm. I looked down expecting to see a loose hair, but I saw a big brown spider. I screamed so loud my voice cracked and I jumped so high it fell off onto the floor. I repeated profanities while I grabbed a paper towel and squished it.

I should have prefaced that story with a disclaimer - I was home alone all morning with hubby at work and kids at camp. I had no one to bail me out.

The second spider was a tiny "jumping spider" on my bedside table. How could I not kill a spider that is directly next to the place I sleep? I'm not so terrified of those little jumping spiders - they're not as creepy as your regular spider so I don't give myself too much credit for getting that one.

The next one was a small black one on the kitchen floor, and the forth one was in the basement. That one was discovered as I was moving a table in order to fit a second ikea tent and tunnel down there for my poor, toy-deprived children (NOT) who just HAD to have them ALL set up at once. My kids were home at this point and I said "AHH! SPIDER!" My brave son said "I'll get it!" But me, being the chicken I am, was afraid it was a jumping spider and had this terrible flash before my eyes of it jumping away from him and loosing it and then I wouldn't be able to come down to the basement until it was found, so I said "no, I'll get it", and I took two tissues and bravely squished it without too much hooplah. As soon as I stood up my son gave me a standing ovation. "YAY MOMMY! WAY TO GO! YOU DID IT!". I wish I got that kind of response all the time!

The last spider was my most traumatic, but also the one I'm most proud of, and this made me realize I CAN do it. We went for an evening walk and walked through a very weedy area behind our house. When we got home my son was washing his hands in the bathroom when I looked in the mirror and saw a HUGE BLACK SPIDER climbing across his NECK. I grabbed for a tissue and said "there's a bug on you" at which point he scrunched up his neck and shoulders and the spider crawled DOWN HIS SHIRT!! I pulled the shirt away (calmly while muttering calm and reassuring words but my heart was pounding out of my chest) and saw it crawling on the inside of his shirt. I cupped my hand around it through the outside of the shirt, kept it closed and pulled the shirt off over his head. I opened my hand over the toilet and the spider fell into the toilet and I flushed FAST.

I can do it. I can really do it if I have to, but if hubby is home, I likely will still be heard yelling "HELP! THERE'S A SPIDER!! COME QUICK!"

**Random Thoughts

It has been a while since I've blogged and I have a list of blog ideas saved in my head, so I felt it time to put all those random thoughts together onto the screen and get them out of my head. It's a personal cleansing exercise.

My kids have asked funny things lately. My daughter asked how the world was made, followed by my son asking how the first person came on the earth if there was no one on earth to make the first baby. After that awkward and complicated response that involved a lot of talk about the birds and the bees, my too-smart-for-his-own-good boy told me he was going to live at home with me forever so he could save money and not have to pay for his own house. These kids sure keep me on my toes. You never know what they will come up with next!

Next thought - I'm a big believer in karma. I believe that when you do good unto people, good will be done unto you as well. I think this is a good motto to live by, though you must remember to not only do good so you will get good in return. I'm not sure when this idea materialized in my mind but I am a true believer in this. Many experiences in my life and those around me have led me to this belief. There's my preaching session for the evening.

I went to the dentist the other day for the first time in five years. Last time I was there (when I was pregnant with my daughter) the hygienist told me that I had such great teeth that all I need to do is start flossing and I'd never have to go. By never, I believe she meant less often but one should never say that to a girl who hates the dentist more than spiders....almost. So I floss regularly now and five years later showed up at the dentist with my tail between my legs only to be told that I do have great teeth and I don't have to go too often but I do need to make an appearance there some time before my kids are in high school. I warned the dentist that they loose out on business when they go around telling people that!

Last thought - how many days until September? My kids hadn't even had a full week without school when I began counting down the days until the year starts again. Summer is great for the first dozen trips to the splash pad, then it becomes such an effort to find things to do with them each and every day. A couple of vacations and a couple of weeks of camp will help to break it up but still - I like the consistency and schedule of school. Call me crazy (as all my teacher friends will) but that's my feeling.

There you have it - some random thoughts. I have a lot of them in my head so stay tuned for a random thoughts take two coming soon!

**My bathroom has a dresser and TV in it

We are renovating. My bathroom has a television, dresser and some random full drawers in it that I'm really not sure where they came from. My curtains are shoved under a bed frame and I have yet to find the clothes that were previously in my closet.

I know people always say that renovating is messy and stressful but I didn't realize the extent of that stress and mess. EVERYTHING in our house is covered in a layer of sawdust and ceiling fragments. All of the pictures on the walls are crooked and the brand new potlights are falling out because of the intensity of the banging to install the hardwood upstairs. We can hear it from down the street!

Today I wanted my magazine that was previously on my night table. There is no way. I am trying SO hard to suppress my inner Monica and turn the other way. MONDAY the hardwood is done. The end of the week the rest is done. It's not so bad. Not so bad. Not so bad. It's not working. Today after dinner I tried to clean the floors. There is just no point. It's like I'm just pushing the dust around.

So now as I attempt to turn a blind eye, I am going to try to find my shower. If I stumble upon a bar of soap, it will be a bonus.

**Big Kids

My boy is finished kindergarten. He is starting full time school - grade one - the big playground and everything - in September. I cannot believe how fast this year went. Here we are now with my big guy done SK, my baby done JK and me realizing that every year it seems to get faster.

I know people always say that time flies, but I literally feel like it was last week that I was watching my daughter help pack her lunch for her first day at big-girl school. Standing on a stool at the kitchen counter, still only able to see in her lunchbox if she stood on her tippytoes, she placed her snacks and lunch into her pink lunchbox with such care and anticipation.

I remember her first day clear as a bell. I took pictures from the front porch as she walked with her Daddy and big brother to school...her backpack almost larger than her. She told us she was really scared, though she never once showed it. She said it was hard not knowing what to do or how to do things like eat her lunch because she had never done that before without Mommy and Daddy.

I have to watch that little one. My son tells it as it is. If he is happy, sad, angry, mad, he tells you. My daughter does not. She says things like "I'm tired" if something is on her mind, or she will just put on a happy face even though inside unhappy things are milling around.

I digress. So the last ten months have felt like mere minutes, and as we jump with both feet into summer vacation, it leaves me wondering how I can bottle these times. Every year that passes I look back on it fondly, but also sadly. I know these days of precious milestones are soon long gone and I'm trying my best to not let life get in the way of living.

My little girl woke up this morning bouncing with excitement. "It's my first last day of school!!" she exclaimed. That it IS. Her first last day of school. It makes me feel sad that we will never experience a first day of school or a first last day of school again. All the firsts are ending and on goes life. I wish I could go back and live it all again - taking it all in even more than I did. Now we get to enjoy life in different ways. There aren't as many firsts but there sure is excitement. More adventures. Different memories, different hurdles. On we go.

**The Five (and a half) Year Itch

The moving itch. I've got it and I've got it bad. The itch is taking over my life. It occupies my mind most every minute of the day. Visions of landscaping, extra bedrooms, storage, big driveways, yards and (gasp) fireplaces fill my days and nights. Then the visions of boxes, lawyers fees, real estate agents, mortgages and renovations squish those pretty visions like the spider in my bathroom.

I HATE moving. I can say with confidence that there is nothing more in the world I hate than moving. I stand by my theory that moving is more stressful than getting married or having a baby. I have yet to have a smooth move, or hear of one for that matter. I have purchased two properties in my life, sold one. None of those three transactions have gone well. Everything turned out fine, but the road to get there was unbearable.

However, I can't help it. All our lives we have "settled". We have always lived below our means and never bought anything of significance that we haven't absolutely needed. We went from a rented basement apartment to buying a condo. We were getting married and knew a family wasn't far off. When it was time for a second child, we knew our two bedroom condo wouldn't do and moved to a 3 bedroom semi with a decent sized yard (for the area). We aren't having more children, nor are we growing out of our house but heck wouldn't it be nice to live in a bigger one?

We have lived in our house for 5 1/2 years. Things are starting to need repair - exterior painting, the carpets upstairs and on the staircases, the walls we painted when we moved in, the decor is getting old. The problem is that when I thought of all the money I'd like to put into the house to improve it, I realized that I don't want to put it into this house. I don't feel happy enough here to spend that kind of money on it.

Often people say to me "how do four people live in that house?". Frankly, we fit here quite well. I don't feel we need more space in any way. We finished the basement, the kids have a playroom, each their own bedroom, a kitchen big enough for entertaining, and a yard big enough for sprinklers and a kiddie pool. There is no aspect of our house that doesn't work for us logistically.

BUT there are things we don't like about it. Little things. Not make-or-break-it things.

The problem is that hubby isn't on board. No part of him wants to move. He has agreed to put some money into it to fix it up a bit and make it look more modern, but moving is not in his plans at all. I have a problem with trying to convince him. If I am successful, we do sell our house and move up in the world and something goes wrong either with the process or the new house, it would be my fault. I would be the one who gets told "I told you so" and I cannot handle that.

Our house has served us very well. We have had no unexpected expenses (other than the washing machine breaking in the first year, calling the repair man only to find a baby sock stuck in the motor). The basement is so far the driest I have seen (or smelled), the roof, windows, appliances, furnace, etc. are all functioning at top notch. Isn't it stupid to give those things up? When you don't NEED to? What if you end up in a lemon? You can spend tens of thousands of dollars with unexpected repairs on a house. Why would you risk that?

The funny thing is that with all these reasons why NOT to consider moving, I still have that little voice inside of me telling me it's time. "you can afford it. your kids will benefit from it. you will be happier. it's one last move and you're there for the long haul. it's worth it for your happiness. you don't have to only buy things that are necessities. sometimes you need to not be so logical and do things for the sole reason that you want to...."

Perhaps the voice will win, perhaps my hubby will win, but either way, I feel like the idea of this itch needs to be seriously entertained before it is relieved.

**Everyone Loves...Marineland

So we went on a little excursion last week – packed up the kids, the hubby, and pretty much all that we own and headed to Niagara Falls. We had equipment for all types of weather (because all types were predicted for our 48 hour whirlwind) and hubby commented that it likely would have been easier to bring Niagara Falls to our house than us go there). We drove straight to the falls, walked along, took a zillion pictures, went on the Maid of the Mist (just me and my daughter – my son was a bit too hesitant and I didn’t want to have to deal with a half hour of crying), then went to check into our hotel.

Let me make a side note of how much I was dreading the hotel. We booked a room with two double beds and brought an air mattress for one kid (whichever one yelled loud enough to win the air mattress because that is the bed of choice for them). I cannot sleep in the same room as my children. I am physically incapable of falling into an even semi-unconscious state when I am sharing a room with them. Every sigh, every roll over, every shift of position wakes me. So I KNEW it was going to be a long night.

Back to the story…we went to check into the hotel and I say to the hotel man “are there any rooms with two double beds that are physically larger than others? We are four people and if the layout of your hotel allows for some of these rooms to be roomier, it would help”. Hotel man says “No, Madam, they are all the same size but if you would like (pauses to click around on computer)…I can upgrade you to a two room suite for no extra charge. Would that be sufficient?” Um, YEAH!!! THAT was a silly question! So we got two rooms – one with a queen bed and one with a double bed, two TV’s, and a DOOR in between the bedrooms for $89 a night. Does it GET better than that?

Then we went out for dinner, bought the kids some treats at a treat shop to eat later and went back to the hotel for a swim in the pool, followed by the kids eating their treats in their own room watching their own TV. They LOVED it. How great is it to be 4 or 6 and have a TV in your room? If you’re one of my kids, it is greater than great.

After they were in dreamland, hubby went out to get some snacks and walk around the building (we were attached by a walkway to the Fallsview Casino Resort), see the falls on the “lookout terrace” of the hotel, wander a bit and then he came back and I got to go to the casino. We would not have been able to do this if the kids were in our room. Our evening would have consisted of us whispering in the dark until we figured it wasn’t worth the effort and went to bed.

The next morning after a buffet breakfast (at which kids eat free but I believe they took down the signs advertising that after they saw how much my kids eat for breakfast), we wandered around the resort, checked out of the hotel and headed to Marineland.

What a great place! I had pretty low expectations because some people had mentioned – well, to have low expectations - but it was wonderful. There were NO lineups for anything…we walked right onto rides, we pet and fed the beluga whales, got splashed during a splash session by the killer whales, saw the big “show” with the dolphins and sea lions, fed black bears corn pops cereal, wandered around with deer amongst us, fed monstrous carp dog food (I have no idea why the food of choice for carp is dog food and bears like corn pops, but that’s what they sold us!), watched the walruses being fed, and other than the fact that it was a zillion degrees, it was great. It was like Canada's Wonderland meets the Zoo meets a really awesome petting zoo. We headed back to the city after being on our feet in 40 degree heat walking almost non-stop for five hours (we were a bit tired) and now we have some lifelong memories of our little mini vacation.

I couldn’t have asked for a better two days – it was just perfect. The kids loved it (though it doesn’t take much at this age…they thought one of the best things about the trip was the key card they took turns using in our hotel door) and we’ll definitely do mini trips like this more often!

**What Makes a Family?

I spent my Wednesday with Rosie O'Donnell. It was wonderful. What some people just don't understand is that she is portrayed much different than she actually is. Read on - I'll convince you. Standing in line at Indigo at the Eaton's Centre was no fun for anyone. It was hot, it was a long line, and it was still a couple of hours until she arrived. In walks Rosie's assistant. She went through the lineup and picked out any kids (and their families), any older people, and anyone with a cane, walker, wheelchair, crutches, etc. They all went to the front of the line, sat in chairs, and Rosie went up to THEM and signed their books. She signed for four hours, almost making her late for her concert appearance. She made every person feel welcome, spoke to each one, and tried to make it special in some way. Rosie GETS that your two minutes with her is much more important to you than it is to her. She understands how it feels to be in your shoes, meeting someone famous. She dug deep and touched everyone there in one special way or another. No matter what you think of this woman, you have to give her one thing - she understands us "regular" people and does all she can to make our time worth while too.

So after the signing, myself and three friends went to see the True Colors concert. It was a sort of festival with The Clicks, Indigo Girls, Rosie O'Donnell, The B52's and Cyndi Lauper. What an experience! All sorts of people, families, the show was amazing.

When I had my kids I knew I would tell them about all sorts of different types of families. We have close cousins who are a family with two mommies and I always knew they needed to know that some families are like that. So what makes a family? Love. Commitment. Acceptance. My kids now know that all families are different in their own way but they still have just as much love in them as ours does.

What I don't understand is that some people don't get that. It never even occurs to me that some people feel families are made up of a man and a woman, but there are many, many people out there who feel that way. Too many actually. I suppose when I looked around at all of those people in that audience Wednesday night I realized that a lot of these people live every day trying to not be themselves. They hide their true identities from their closest friends and there - in that amphitheater - they were THEMSELVES.

What made me feel warm and fuzzy inside was when I brought home the craft book from the book signing. On the cover of the book is Rosie O'Donnell and her four kids. My son said "they have five people in their family". I replied "actually, they have six in their family. They are a family with two mommies." "Oh, cool!" He said. No biggie. THAT is how it should be.