**BACK AT IT

So it has been a while, and a lot has happened since I last blogged. For one, my family expanded to 5 with a beautiful baby boy. I am bursting at the seams with admiration for maternity leave - a concept I didn't seem to grasp before. I am on the hunt for a bigger house for my bigger family and looking forward to our new adventure of trying to move with three kids (yikes!!).

But the reason I am back is due to a spark of inspiration that hit me as I drove on the DVP tonight on my way home from dinner in Greektown with my cousin.

As I drove along at the speed of molasses (traffic) with my ipod plugged into my stereo blasting Glee songs (LOOOOOOSER!!) and singing at the top of my lungs (not to worry, it was balanced out with some Lady Gaga later), I felt so lucky. I had a nice dinner, nice conversation, nice relaxation and company. This in itself makes me feel lucky, but add to that the fact that I get to drive home to three soapy smelling kids cozy in their jammies waiting to be kissed and hugged goodnight, it makes me feel rich.

It's so easy - especially with this hectic life we are living - to get caught up in the stresses and worries. I had a bad week last week. Some bad news, followed by not winning a bidding war on what we considered to be our dream house. It was hard. Then I heard a story from a friend about a terrible nightmare she has been living day in and day out for years, and it made me realize that I have got it easy as pie. So? I have to pay a big bill. It sucks but it will be okay. And we will find another house, eventually. Whenever it happens it happens. But I need to focus on this awesome life I'm living with my awesomely helpful hubby and three amazing kids and take it all in.

I'm going to blast Glee songs more often. Music always puts things in perspective. If I knew how, I'd put in a song that plays while you read this - one that portrays my mood, but frankly I'm not that technologically savvy. Sorry.

I'm going to try to blog more often. I love going back to read it years later, and it's a journal that my kids will read when they are older and perhaps going through the exact same things I am today.

(If I knew how, you would now be listening to "Sing" by the Glee cast on last week's episode. That song is FANTASTIC!!)

**What a different ballgame

When hubby and I got married, we were the first in our group of friends. When we had our kids, same deal. As great as it was to have people supporting us through those times, our friends were at different points in their lives, making it difficult to stay close - or appreciate the full extent of these life events. It didn't help that all of hubby's friends and family live in another part of the country as he had just moved here from far away. We had some family and friends that remained close, but not at all comparable to now.

Now we have an amazing, supportive, caring, fun, perfect network of friends (some also family) who are generally walking the same path as us, and I feel for the first time in my adult life like I have a CORE.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones, just me getting older, or the extra support I have been having through this pregnancy, but it feels as if I live in a different world than I did eight years ago when my oldest was born. What a wonderful way to experience such a major life event! These people CARE about us! They are around to help in a pinch, as we are for them, they have been through this all before, and they are genuinely happy for us. They enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and I don't mean in a superficial kind of way.

I feel much more loved than alone, more whole than fragmented, more full than empty, more at peace than getting by. As much as I loved the process of my family expanding when I did it six and eight years ago, I am in bliss now. I'm not only fulfilled as we welcome a new baby boy, but fulfilled when I see my children enjoying their community of friends and family. Every birthday party that starts off with a list of 25 people BEFORE we get to school friends is a happy birthday party to me....granted it's a bit hectic but I love surrounding ourselves with people we care about and who care about us.

I could see it in the eyes of the people I told that I was pregnant - a long five months ago. Each person as I sat them down and broke the news just lit up with happiness for us. Each person's reaction burned a little impression into my heart, and it's one that I will cherish forever, as I will their friendships. I value this little life we have built as a family and I can't wait to live it as it grows and expands.

**The things we do for our kids

It has become a yearly tradition for our family to go to a local festival in the spring, plant a tree, and get a caterpillar as a prize that turns into a butterfly.

This year both kids got caterpillars and they ate and ate and ate, became chrysalises, hatched, showed off their beauty and gave us a good lesson on metamorphosis. Emily and Fuzzy were going to be released today.

However, last night we noticed that their bums were stuck together. They mated. We googled. Turns out Emily stores the eggs that Fuzzy fertilized (for many, many hours might I add) in her tummy and deposits them on a certain type of plant.

I promised the kids I'd do my best to figure out what kind. A call to the number on the instruction sheet revealed they need a hollyhock plant. I am no gardener. This was Greek to me. The kids want to TRY to see the rest of the lifecycle.

I called four garden centers. Closest hollyhock is a 15 minute drive away. File this under "things Daddy would never do". We hopped in the car and sang along with the radio as we made our way to our hollyhock.

Two dollars and fifty-nine cents later we brought it home, fed the baby butterflies orange gatorade with a q-tip, and put them on their plant. Immediately Emily (who we frankly cannot tell apart from Fuzzy) put her bum on a leaf and pink stuff was left on it when she flew away. Who knows if this will work and if we will hatch any caterpillars, but heck it sure is fun to try!!

I hope they remember this. I hope they remember how important it was to their Mommy to do my very best to teach them, love them and make them happy. When they are Moms and Dads I want them to do things like that for their children because the smiles and excitement on their faces brought the most satisfying, happy feeling to my heart I have ever felt. THIS is what life is about people.

**A mish-mash

There has been a terrible shift in my household. I feel sad and confused, and in need of a hug.

The time has come that my children do not find it fun to do favours for me.

How does this happen over-night?

Yesterday I could bellow "who wants to get a new box of kleenex for the downstairs bathroom?!", and I would be bombarded by squeals of "ME!" "NO ME!!" "IT'S MY TURN TO HELP MOMMY!".

Today I got a very quick "no thanks", in stereo, nonetheless. Perfect.

I had a bad day. Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong. It started with a snowball effect of running late at work causing me to feel like I was climbing a slip-n-slide coated in butter. I sat down to pay the bills when I got home and could NOT balance my account for the life of me, then picked up the kids and drove directly to the dance shoe store. After spending way too long fitting my daughter for jazz shoes and "convertible tights" (don't ask me what that means, all I know is the lady said she needed them and at that point I didn't feel that using my time to listen to her answer to the question at the tip of my tongue - "why" - was worth my time, so I just said "okay"), I paid my ***SEVENTY-EIGHT DOLLARS**** (!!!) and was on my way.

As I pulled into the driveway I felt my tension releasing, felt my awful day coming to a close as all I had to do was throw potatoes in the oven to bake, empty the kids bags, do homework, boil peas and check on the crockpot, change the fish water and take a shower (yes, this was easy compared to my day), I unlocked my door and realized that my dear son left his baseball cap sitting in the dance store.

Should I be surprised? Nope, not after my day.

So back we drove, me trying to swear only in my head, them being very, very quiet knowing I was not so much thrilled by this turn of events, we rescued the hat and came home - half an hour behind schedule.

So now it is 8:14pm and it is the first time I have sat down all day. Other than in the car driving to and from the dance store twice.

That was a big bitch-fest. Sorry for that.

My last tidbit stems from a conversation with a friend in pubic relations. She told me that tasteful product endorsements in my blog could yield some freebies. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Honda SUV's? Hey, after my day, I think I deserve it.

**My 2 Cents On The Gosselins

Is it wrong to say that I can see the points of view of both Jon and Kate Gosselin? For a long time now - prior to all of their struggles being put forth by the media, I have said aloud that they have major issues. When they renewed their vows in Hawaii I told hubby that the tension while they danced and held eachother was palpable.

Now, as I follow the media frenzy and watch as friends, family and celebrities choose sides, I have to admit that I find neither Jon nor Kate totally in the wrong. The only thing that I agree with wholeheartedly is the damage it is doing to the kids.

He says she beat him down and made him feel worthless, he was verbally abused and she gave him ultimatums and made the decision to end the marriage-as well as stealing his wedding ring one day while they were still putting on the charade. I can see her doing every one of those things (and have actually seen her do some of them!). She probably felt angry and stressed (how could she not with her life responsibilities) and she took her anger out on him. What I don't think she counted on, however, was Jon finding his voice, finding love and affection in other places, and realizing that life was better without her abuse. She never thought he would leave-she didn't think he had enough balls.

I do believe that she is truly remorseful for what happened and now that her life is panning out the way it is, she is wishing she could take back a good portion of her actions over the last 5 years. She is being forced to see herself through the eyes of everyone else and it is making her realize that she made her bed, and now she has to lie in it. Alone. She is again displacing her anger. Really she is angry at herself for digging this grave that snowballed out of her control, but she is saying she is angry with Jon's actions. Sure, having your girlfriends over whilst caring for your eight emotionally fragile kids isn't the brightest move, but he is flexing his newly freed muscles. He will learn from his mistakes and figure it out.

She feels sad that she is alone, in her mid-thirties with eight kids and a nation that thinks she is a bully and a bad mother. She is not a bad mother. She has her times of stress, she has her moments of frustration, but I do believe that she maintains an appropriate core focus. Her kids. They would not be such well-rounded, well behaved, pleasant children if she was not a good mother. She didn't expect it to turn out this way and she cries all the time because she realizes she messed up big time and there is no eraser in the real world.

There it is. My completely unprofessional, unsolicited opinion, my best guess based on my observations. Take it as you wish.

**Constantly Learning

I discovered today that even now, at my ripe old age of 31, I am learning and growing every day. I am drawing from experiences and changing with every breath. I walked into a work situation today, and knew that it was going to be a life changing moment for me. I recognized the circumstances, and as I stood there at the start of my visit, I knew in my core that this moment would be significant forever in my life. I would not have known that even a year ago in my career. I would have gone without recognizing the signs.

The benefit of this ongoing learning process - and I mean not only in my career, but in my personal life as well, is that I can take a step back more easily, assess the situation and take appropriate steps to make these moments as positive as possible. I act more rationally, leave with less regrets, and maximize my experiences.

I don't think I knew this in my 20's. I think I thought I knew everything. I thought I had the upper hand on life - had it all figured out. Now in my 30's, I realize that life is about growing, changing and learning. Constantly. Wonder what my 40's will bring....

**Eyes Full Of Disgust

Some days my kids look at eachother as if the other is the worst human being on the planet. Every time one so much as brushes by the other, the world practically explodes.

The funny thing is that they seem to mutually feel the same about one another on any given day. Either they get along famously, leaving the adult in the house glowing in the ability to do adult-needed things throughout the day, or they despise one another.

Perhaps they have a meeting at the start of the day to determine which it will be.

Today for example my daughter had a hissy-fit because "HE TOUCHED MY HELMET!" while bike riding. What am I supposed to say to that?!? He touched your helmet...aaaannnnddddd.......Oh! I see! He touched your helmet. I should definitely send him to his room for the rest of his life, never to be seen again, right?

One says a word, the other snaps back that it was used inappropriately. My son spits the words "you should know that", as my daughter spits back "how should I know, I'm only 5?!" And on we go on the downwards spiral. I've heard you should let them figure it out - fight it out, develop their sense of themselves, but if the situation is not interjected upon early on in the argument it gets UGLY. And I mean UGLY!

The other day I was on the phone (my cell) with a friend when they had an explosion over a skipping rope. They screamed so loud that they set off the glass break sensor on our alarm system. So on top of the screaming and crying there was the siren, then the home phone ringing (the alarm company calling to see who broke a window), me screaming over it all telling them to be quiet so I can hear on the phone....it was not our finest moment.

So all I ask it to be informed of the consensus of their meeting each morning - whether it will be a peaceful day or to prepare for war. I just need to know if I should drag along my earplugs and sedatives, or if I'll be okay without.