**A mish-mash

There has been a terrible shift in my household. I feel sad and confused, and in need of a hug.

The time has come that my children do not find it fun to do favours for me.

How does this happen over-night?

Yesterday I could bellow "who wants to get a new box of kleenex for the downstairs bathroom?!", and I would be bombarded by squeals of "ME!" "NO ME!!" "IT'S MY TURN TO HELP MOMMY!".

Today I got a very quick "no thanks", in stereo, nonetheless. Perfect.

I had a bad day. Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong. It started with a snowball effect of running late at work causing me to feel like I was climbing a slip-n-slide coated in butter. I sat down to pay the bills when I got home and could NOT balance my account for the life of me, then picked up the kids and drove directly to the dance shoe store. After spending way too long fitting my daughter for jazz shoes and "convertible tights" (don't ask me what that means, all I know is the lady said she needed them and at that point I didn't feel that using my time to listen to her answer to the question at the tip of my tongue - "why" - was worth my time, so I just said "okay"), I paid my ***SEVENTY-EIGHT DOLLARS**** (!!!) and was on my way.

As I pulled into the driveway I felt my tension releasing, felt my awful day coming to a close as all I had to do was throw potatoes in the oven to bake, empty the kids bags, do homework, boil peas and check on the crockpot, change the fish water and take a shower (yes, this was easy compared to my day), I unlocked my door and realized that my dear son left his baseball cap sitting in the dance store.

Should I be surprised? Nope, not after my day.

So back we drove, me trying to swear only in my head, them being very, very quiet knowing I was not so much thrilled by this turn of events, we rescued the hat and came home - half an hour behind schedule.

So now it is 8:14pm and it is the first time I have sat down all day. Other than in the car driving to and from the dance store twice.

That was a big bitch-fest. Sorry for that.

My last tidbit stems from a conversation with a friend in pubic relations. She told me that tasteful product endorsements in my blog could yield some freebies. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Honda SUV's? Hey, after my day, I think I deserve it.

**My 2 Cents On The Gosselins

Is it wrong to say that I can see the points of view of both Jon and Kate Gosselin? For a long time now - prior to all of their struggles being put forth by the media, I have said aloud that they have major issues. When they renewed their vows in Hawaii I told hubby that the tension while they danced and held eachother was palpable.

Now, as I follow the media frenzy and watch as friends, family and celebrities choose sides, I have to admit that I find neither Jon nor Kate totally in the wrong. The only thing that I agree with wholeheartedly is the damage it is doing to the kids.

He says she beat him down and made him feel worthless, he was verbally abused and she gave him ultimatums and made the decision to end the marriage-as well as stealing his wedding ring one day while they were still putting on the charade. I can see her doing every one of those things (and have actually seen her do some of them!). She probably felt angry and stressed (how could she not with her life responsibilities) and she took her anger out on him. What I don't think she counted on, however, was Jon finding his voice, finding love and affection in other places, and realizing that life was better without her abuse. She never thought he would leave-she didn't think he had enough balls.

I do believe that she is truly remorseful for what happened and now that her life is panning out the way it is, she is wishing she could take back a good portion of her actions over the last 5 years. She is being forced to see herself through the eyes of everyone else and it is making her realize that she made her bed, and now she has to lie in it. Alone. She is again displacing her anger. Really she is angry at herself for digging this grave that snowballed out of her control, but she is saying she is angry with Jon's actions. Sure, having your girlfriends over whilst caring for your eight emotionally fragile kids isn't the brightest move, but he is flexing his newly freed muscles. He will learn from his mistakes and figure it out.

She feels sad that she is alone, in her mid-thirties with eight kids and a nation that thinks she is a bully and a bad mother. She is not a bad mother. She has her times of stress, she has her moments of frustration, but I do believe that she maintains an appropriate core focus. Her kids. They would not be such well-rounded, well behaved, pleasant children if she was not a good mother. She didn't expect it to turn out this way and she cries all the time because she realizes she messed up big time and there is no eraser in the real world.

There it is. My completely unprofessional, unsolicited opinion, my best guess based on my observations. Take it as you wish.

**Constantly Learning

I discovered today that even now, at my ripe old age of 31, I am learning and growing every day. I am drawing from experiences and changing with every breath. I walked into a work situation today, and knew that it was going to be a life changing moment for me. I recognized the circumstances, and as I stood there at the start of my visit, I knew in my core that this moment would be significant forever in my life. I would not have known that even a year ago in my career. I would have gone without recognizing the signs.

The benefit of this ongoing learning process - and I mean not only in my career, but in my personal life as well, is that I can take a step back more easily, assess the situation and take appropriate steps to make these moments as positive as possible. I act more rationally, leave with less regrets, and maximize my experiences.

I don't think I knew this in my 20's. I think I thought I knew everything. I thought I had the upper hand on life - had it all figured out. Now in my 30's, I realize that life is about growing, changing and learning. Constantly. Wonder what my 40's will bring....

**Eyes Full Of Disgust

Some days my kids look at eachother as if the other is the worst human being on the planet. Every time one so much as brushes by the other, the world practically explodes.

The funny thing is that they seem to mutually feel the same about one another on any given day. Either they get along famously, leaving the adult in the house glowing in the ability to do adult-needed things throughout the day, or they despise one another.

Perhaps they have a meeting at the start of the day to determine which it will be.

Today for example my daughter had a hissy-fit because "HE TOUCHED MY HELMET!" while bike riding. What am I supposed to say to that?!? He touched your helmet...aaaannnnddddd.......Oh! I see! He touched your helmet. I should definitely send him to his room for the rest of his life, never to be seen again, right?

One says a word, the other snaps back that it was used inappropriately. My son spits the words "you should know that", as my daughter spits back "how should I know, I'm only 5?!" And on we go on the downwards spiral. I've heard you should let them figure it out - fight it out, develop their sense of themselves, but if the situation is not interjected upon early on in the argument it gets UGLY. And I mean UGLY!

The other day I was on the phone (my cell) with a friend when they had an explosion over a skipping rope. They screamed so loud that they set off the glass break sensor on our alarm system. So on top of the screaming and crying there was the siren, then the home phone ringing (the alarm company calling to see who broke a window), me screaming over it all telling them to be quiet so I can hear on the phone....it was not our finest moment.

So all I ask it to be informed of the consensus of their meeting each morning - whether it will be a peaceful day or to prepare for war. I just need to know if I should drag along my earplugs and sedatives, or if I'll be okay without.

**A New Era

We seem to have entered a new era in our household. I suppose it was inevitable with the kids growing up so quickly, but even though I expected changes, I didn't expect them to happen so quickly and drastically.

This new era is an era of technology. They all said it was coming. They speak of it even on the news. Eventually kids only have interest in things that plug in. They used to go off and play together - they played pretend. Baby, school, puppy, whatever. If they weren't playing pretend they were often colouring or playing with toys. Sure they fought sometimes, and they did enjoy playing on "nickjr.com" and with their "leapster", but the majority of free time was spent just being kids.

Lately they are only happy playing Wii or DS or computer or watching television. And although we still limit these activities (pretty strictly actually), they seem to be at a loss when we unplug them. This weekend they both actually lay on the living room floor whining "I'M BOOOOORRRRREEEDD!" when we said no video games or tv. Are you freaking kidding me?! We have toys coming out of our ears, we have every craft you can think of, we have eighteen shelves full of games and puzzles, you have parents willing to engage you and play with you, and STILL you are at a loss?!

I'm pretty sure it's a developmental phase. I can see them changing before my eyes. Gone are the days of blowing up a single balloon and throwing it on the living room floor yielding countless hours of happiness, playfullness, jumping and laughing. These days we have to work harder for it.

I miss seeing their eyes light up for the littlest things. I guess this is life. Parenting has to change as your kids develop into their own little people. I hope I guided them appropriately up until now, and I hope I learn to adapt my parenting skills to continue guiding them in the right direction as their needs and interests change.

**The Last Two Months

Sickness sucks. There's no nice way to put it. One of us gets sick and it debilitates the family. More time is spent indoors getting sour with eachother, the television is permanently on for the one who has no energy to do anything else, inevitibly drawing in the healthy ones to become couch potatoes as well.

We have had our share of sicknesses in the last two months. A whopping FIVE illnesses for my son since March break, TWO for my daughter, TWO for me, and amazingly enough, Hubby got off Scott free. Not sure how that works...

It started right before March Break. My boy got strep throat. He was SICK. High fever, lethargic, even threw up. When I discovered the white spots in his throat I was relieved. I knew that 24 hours on antibiotics is a sure cure, and he won't even be contagious anymore. I was right. Back to normal within a day.

Fast-forward 3 weeks or so. The sore throat and fever come back. Back to the pediatric walk in clinic (because of course this never happens during the week, right?) and another positive strep throat culture. New antibiotic because obviously the first one didn't do it's full job. Again back to normal within 24 hours.

Fast-forward ONE week this time. STILL on antibiotics. Sore throat returns. This time it is during the week for a change and we go to the regular doctor. Our hero, Dr. K. thinks the strep is still there. Cultures again (he is getting to be a pro at throat swabs) and gives a new prescription to only fill when the one he is still taking is done.

Two days later, he gets a huge cold. The sore throat was not strep this time, just a cold. The cultures were finally negative and we avoided a third round of antibiotics.

Daughter and I catch the cold, hers lasting a couple of days with only sniffles, me being down and out for a few days with fever and blowing things out of my nose that no one should ever have to witness. This goes on for over a week.

Just as we're all on the upswing and getting back to feeling normal, my son gets a fever. On a Thursday night. Back to Dr. K. Friday (I believe they have put our names right on the exam room door now) and she thinks the throat is still clear. This time she does a blood test cause this is getting ridiculous!

The fever lasts 3 days and a new cold and cough develop (illness number 4 in case you've lost count). I'm not sure the other cold was even totally gone....

The blood tests come back normal (and she tested for everything in the book!) and in fact she is impressed with his numbers. Just viruses she says. "Unlucky this spring" she says....

Six days later he wakes up and pukes. He threw up twice and then was fine. A missed day of school, some more television and games on the computer. The next day my daughter gets it, the next day me. Apparently this virus doesn't make females puke though. Only the other thing...

And now - six days past the last illness I lay in wait for the next to arrive. Every time someone so much as frowns I brace myself for the next round of sickness. I am so sick of sickness. When it all started back before March Break, it had been about a year since we had used any of our medications. Some had expired! I was so spoiled back then....

I have to be thankful that both my kids seem to recover quickly from their bugs, but when they get a new one every week, it's kind of hard to tell where one ends and the next begins.

Please think healthy thoughts for us. I don't know how many more rounds I can handle.

**More Randomness

I enjoyed writing random thoughts about myself (as odd as that sounds) so I thought I'd give it a go again.

1. Not that anyone likes their kids being sick, but it is one of my worst fears. I know too much as a nurse that I always think the worst...even when it's very minor. I worry WAY too much!
2. I'm a pessimist. Glass is almost always half empty but I think it spares me heartache that way.
3. The only beverage I drink other than one coffee a day is water.
4. I found that the only good part of pregnancy (other than the outcome of course) was feeling the baby move inside. I could sit there all day and take that in.
5. I know quite a few famous people personally.
6. I recently helped a friend discover her husband is cheating - and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.
7. I still bathe my kids together even though I know they're getting too old for it. It's just so much easier!
8. I once had a dream about George Clooney.
9. My hair is very thin even though it doesn't look that way from the curls. It all fell out after I had kids.
10. Of all life's big events, I found moving to be the most stressful - over and above getting married and having kids.
11. I love the feel of warm sand between my toes.
12. I'm allergic to spring. I get a rash on my hands and forearms every spring. No doctor has any idea as to why.
13. I like writing - gets my thoughts out. If I'm upset with someone I write them a letter. It often doesn't get sent but I feel SO much better after!
14. I believe I'm addicted to text messaging. Perhaps I can find a program...
15. We found a sparrow's nest above our porch light with six little eggs inside.
16. I don't understand eating spicy food - you can't taste the food! You can only taste the spice!
17. I can still play the flute, though the ability to read music has fizzled.
18. I played an audience game on The Rosie O'Donnell Show in 2001.
19. I used to not mind it much but as I grow older I HATE driving in the snow!
20. Most of my circle of friends are older than me.

**Annoying Ads

I have been particlarly annoyed by certain radio commercials lately. I am in my car many hours of the day and spend every second listening to the radio (except when I'm on my cell phone - for which I use a bluetooth, don't fret). I spend the first hour listening to 680 news. Once those stories start repeating, I switch to music stations and flip between them for the remainder of the day.

Why in the world would anyone want a commercial that says "If you have a wallet with something in it, we want you at Kooy Brothers". How much more rude can you get?! They may as well say "we don't really care if you are happy with our service or products. We just want your money".

What about the Toronto Blue Jays commercials? They're trying to say that specific players were born to play the game. There's a little voice singing the ABC's, only he sings them "A-B-C-D-E-R-A". Ha ha. E.R.A. Very funny. Not.

These companies pay people a lot of money to come up with these ideas - not only that, but they pay a lot of money to get these commercials on the radio! Why waste everyone's time and money on crap like that? Every time one comes on when I'm tuned in, I certainly feel like that was 30 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

**Kitty Trauma

Okay, so here's a story I didn't share with almost anyone. Back in October, after thinking about getting a kitten for many months, I found a lady on CraigsList who lives in Markham giving away 5 week old kittens for free. We hummed and hawed but decided to go see her, and ultimately brought her home. It was a Sunday. When we first brought her home she hid under the couch for hours. We had an idea to bring her into a room that had no place to hide so that she could get to know us. In my daughter's room, the kids played with her with pieces of string, they scratched her and snuggled with her for about an hour and a half. Then my son had what I thought was an asthma attack. He was trapped in that room with all of little Keisha's (the kid's named her) allergens and he started to cough and wheeze. He hadn't done that in years. His asthma was pretty much gone.

Hubby and I escaped from the kids and the cat and decided (with much drama and hesitation) that we had to give her back right away. Even her spending one night here would make it even harder for the kids to let go. We called the owner and she completely understood and told us to bring her back. The moment I walked into that room to tell the kids that Keisha had to go back was probably one of the worst family moments I can remember. Both kids collapsed in tears. My daughter sobbed into her hands and my son cried "No! No!" repeatedly.

I told them a white lie. I said that **I** was allergic to Keisha. I didn't want my son to feel responsible. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, and most of it is a fog, but I am glad that I made that decision. I didn't want to make my daughter resent him, and I didn't want him to feel worse about the situation then he already did. I explained that as much as we love her already, after only a few hours, it is much more important to have a healthy Mommy. I explained that if we kept her, Mommy would have a sore throat and cough every single day, and that would make me tired and grumpy and no one would want that. They agreed, but still cried - for what felt like hours.

My husband drove Keisha back to her owner and handed her back to the amazingly understanding woman while I stayed home trying to comfort the kids.

The next day, my son came down with a terrible cough and cold. It lasted weeks and my daughter got it too. It made me feel that maybe we jumped the gun. Perhaps we returned Keisha too soon and it was just this terrible virus coming on. I made an appointment with an allergist. He tested NEGATIVE for a cat allergy. The allergist told us that all cats have different dander, and he could be allergic to one and not another. He suggested (and explained how to) do a home allergy skin test with dander from my mom's cat. We did it. NEGATIVE.

Keisha has since found a good home (the day after we returned her), and Keisha's mommy has given birth to a new litter of four kitties. Now a new dilemma arises. Do we do it again? If we do it again, we have to be sure that we are adopting this kitten for life. I won't put them through this again. Part of me tells me to leave well enough alone, and the other part of me says that they would really benefit from a kitten so much, and we have made pretty sure that it wasn't an allergy, so why not? It would make them (and me) so happy, and it will mend the wounds of Keisha (who they still talk about regularly).

I am bad at making big decisions - extremely bad. The owner of the kittens has agreed to let us visit them about a week before they're ready to go home and spend an hour or so amongst their dander and saliva - even having them lick my son - to ensure there is no reaction. He has never reacted to a cat before...ugh. I HATE making tough decisions!!! I keep thinking what if.....

(The picture above is of our Keisha. She was ours for a whole 6 hours.)

**Surreal Experience

I ran into an ex boyfriend at East Side Marios tonight. Hubby, the kids and I were leaving the restaurant when he walked in. He was one of my significant significant others. I have had two or three other significant others - other than hubby. Confused yet? The point is, I was caught off guard - as anyone would be running into an ex. We all have them, we all dread the day we see them...it's natural. But as if running into him wasn't creepy enough, I had been told by some who had seen him more recently than I (which was 1996), that he is married to a girl who's first name differs from mine only by one letter, and she looks just like me. Well, they weren't kidding. She really does look like me.

I was not prepared for how it made me feel. It was such a weird feeling to be standing face to face introducing eachother to our kids. Kids that only exist because I broke up with him for hubby. Speaking to him, I flashed right back to highschool - as if I was right there. In that moment, I felt 18 again, sitting on a bench in the cafeteria sharing a Mr. Big and skipping class. I didn't expect the feeling to be so familiar.

Exes are exes for a reason - things didn't work out. We weren't the right match obviously, and I never looked back, never second guessed that, and am blistfully happy with my family - obviously, but I didn't expect it to feel so strange. Memories came back that hadn't entered my mind in over a decade...how he DJ'ed my sweet 16...I hadn't thought about my Sweet 16 in probably 15 years!

As we walked out of the restaurant, my five year old daughter said to me "Mommy, who was that?", and for a moment, I wondered how to sum up who that was in a few short words. The feat seemed impossible. I mumbled something like 'someone I knew in highschool', and she seemed happy with that, but wow, what a spectacular understatement that was!

**Density

It really bothers me that I can't wrap my head around certain things. I consider myself to be a fairly smart, educated, experienced person, but there are a few things that just boggle my mind, and I just cannot seem to grasp the concepts.

The first one is football. There are large men, grunting a lot, bumping into eachother every few inches, and they all seem so happy. There's a ball and kicking - though I'm unsure of when it is appropriate to kick and when it is appropriate to throw - and big piles of large men on the middle of a field painted with numbers. I have had people attempt to explain this sport to me and it goes right over my head.

Honestly, I don't loose much sleep over not understanding football. It does bother me, however, that I don't understand much to do with finances and investments and the such. I have an RRSP, I have savings accounts, I contribute to them, but where my financial advisor takes my money to make it grow, that is the part that I don't get. There are mutual funds and stocks and bonds and whoknowswhatelse, and he may as well be speaking another language, because I don't get it. I hope he's not doing me wrong, but honeslty I wouldn't know (gee I hope he doesn't read this blog!)

The mechanics of cars is another thing that I feel upset that I don't understand. I take my car in, they tell me lots of things, and I nod and smile. I have only ever done regular maintenance on my cars - oil changes, brakes and tires - never anything else, and they seem fine! Do I really need new air filters and to have all my systems "flushed" as they tell me every time? My car seems pretty happy without those things...it never complains, doesn't appear to need flushing and to be truthful, I'm really too cheap to pay some greesy man to run dirty tap water through a hose and charge me $300!

So there are a few of my downfalls...don't fault me for them, don't laugh, and please don't tell my financial advisor or mechanic!! I didn't even get into the part of my brain that is missing when it comes to world geography...that is a whole other blog!

**Randomness

This was originally a challenge on facebook - to list 25 random things about yourself. I had gotten the request multiple times but never had the time or energy to do it. Once I did, I actually found it kinda fun, so I thought for all that hard work I would post it here too! Enjoy!

1. Pineapple makes my tongue tingle but I eat it anyway because it's yummy.
2. When I had my first baby I felt angry that no one except Oprah told me how tough it would be the first few months.
3. The way I drive scares most people, but I am always safe.
4. My right leg is much larger & more muscular than my left because I drive a lot for work.
5. One of my favorite things to do is sing harmony while someone else sings the melody with pretty much any song.
6. My daughter resembles me to a crazy extent - even little things like pesky eyebrow hairs that point in a different direction than all the rest are exactly the same on both of us.
7. Both teeth on either side of my front middle ones are fake. I was born with "peg" teeth which my grandmother had too and I am afraid my daughter will have them!
8. Every night when I get into bed I sigh and say outloud "I love my bed".
9. I am always feeling cold when everyone else is hot and vice versa.
10. I cry at pretty much anything. Even things that others don't find sad.
11. I am very happy that I have managed to balance my young family with still being able to go out and have fun for myself.
12. I am deathly afraid of spiders. I would rather find a snake or mouse in my house than a spider.
13. I love cottage life which seems uncharacteristic of me.
14. I worked in a pet store all through high school and college and used to touch snakes, lizards, crickets, feed baby parrots by syringe, but had someone move the tarantulas to the top shelf where I couldn't see them at the start of every shift.
15. Whenever someone bakes something like lasagna or brownies, I love to eat the corners.
16. I like to burnt cheese.
17. I really want to try dim sum but don't know what anything on the menu is so I can't order.
18. I hate being late for anything - to the point that I am always chronically early.
19. I have an odd knack for remembering numbers - phone numbers I have dialed only once, my credit card numbers, airmiles number, even library card number. Weird.
20. I have a "list" like on Friends only there are more than 5 people on it.
21. I have eaten the same thing for breakfast for the last 7 years - one egg, one slice of whole wheat toast and a coffee.
22. I love gadgets. My cell phone (aka mini computer) and my roomba vacuum give me an odd amount of pleasure.
23. I write like a doctor. Few people can read it, though it seems crystal clear to me!
24. I like getting to know random things about other people.
25. I am, and always have been, extremely flexible and can still easily do the splits.

***Hmmmmm

Hmmmmmmmm....I wonder if blogs can go dormant and be removed from the blogger site if you don't post in a certain amount of time........

**Long Time Gone

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Only once in December, to be exact. I tend to blog when I'm feeling happy and content with my emotional life. I have not felt that way recently.

A close friend (as she watched me suffer through these past few months) suggested that it's a "pensive time" which is apparently common as you reach your birthdays on the "1's". (I feel like 680 news - traffic and weather together on the 1's) I turned 31 in October and since then have been in a topsy-turvy limbo of disarray.

I went through a baby phase - not me, myself as a baby, but the thoughts of another one in our home. I was totally convinced I wanted it.

I went through a moving phase. I was SURE we needed a new house and financially had all the pieces in place.

I went through a cutting back at work phase. I actually DID do this one, and it takes effect February 2nd. I am looking forward to that!!

Thankfully hubby is too little of a push-over to go along with my raging plans, because ultimately, I changed my mind on the baby and moving situations. I realized that I was restless. My life has fallen into place exactly as I had hoped. I have wonderful kids, financial stability, a home in a perfect location with a wonderful school a few steps away, we all have our health, and our lives are actually where we wanted them to be. This is what we planned for and worked so hard for all these years.

So my new year's resolution this year is to relax and enjoy life more. Enjoy my kids. Go places, take trips, work a bit less hard because I can, take time for myself. Go out nights, get a babysitter, attend concerts, spas, do fun kid stuff without worrying about missing work a few extra days a year.

I'm glad I maintained my whits about me before making any rash decisions that I would have regretted, and now I'm in a much better place.

I only hope I can be better at this year's new year's resolution than last year's. Last year I vowed to blog more often....(blushing)...oops...